The Beastmaster: Films (1982-96)

The Beastmaster (1982)

Dir. Don Coscarelli

Many of the elements that made a successful sword and sorcery movie in the 80s are in place, including a wicked high priest (Rip Torn) who uses magic and religion to keep a position of power, a banishment, a trio of scrying hags with a dangerous prophecy, a cool bladed weapon or two, a peaceful village burned to the ground, and a sympathetic hero on a quest for revenge / redemption, but The Beastmaster isn't the genre classic that as a youth I used to think it was.

It's still mostly entertaining, however, with a neat ingredient that separates it from the pack, namely the hero's ability to communicate with animals like some kind of barbarian Dolittle. Inevitably, he makes friends and allies as he journeys toward his ultimate goal, but the most memorable of them all are arguably the smallest ones.

Marc Singer isn't a hulking Arnie type with brute force on his side, he's more of a toned, athletic type, but that works in the story's favour, making the camaraderie he builds with the animals a crucial factor in his chance of success. The 'beasts' of the title aren't just there to look cool. Each species type provides necessary abilities, based on personality, that the human warrior wouldn't have otherwise.

- Dar (Marc Singer), looking like he's never seen a sword before. -

There's a few threats in addition to the main antagonist; my personal favourite is a species of fantastical creatures with leathery wings that I once had an actual nightmare about.

It wouldn't be a proper 80s sword and sorcery flick without an attractive woman for the hero to get romantically attached to. In this case that's Charlie's Angel Tanya Roberts, and despite looking like she's just walked out of a salon most of the time, she fills the role rather well. Interestingly, their relationship turned out to be more complicated than I was aware of as a kid.

- Kiri (Tanya Roberts), looking like she's never seen a man before. -

At almost two hours it may feel a little overlong, but as a fan of the genre I was expecting that. The effects are decent, the animals are endearing, the action scenes do what they're supposed to do, and I feel the film's saddest moment is still heart-breaking, even when being prepared for it.

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)

Dir. Sylvio Tabet

Things began in a similar manner to what came before, albeit visibly cheaper by comparison. Dar has got himself captured by an evil guy (Wings Hauser), but the hero's animal friends have got his back. We then meet a witch played by Sarah Douglas, an actress who's usually well-suited to this kind of film. She has an unusual vernacular, but with my cuppa and movie snacks in hand I'm reasonably content. So far so good.

And then the 'portal of time' of the title was introduced. Surely ripped-off from Star Trek TOS's Guardian of Forever, it performs a similar function, although it's a gateway to a parallel world, not through time, per se. Five people are credited on the screenplay and none of them noticed that? Maybe the film was titled after the fact. But that's all the free passes I'm willing to hand out. The rest of the story is pure shit.

Singer and Douglas can't be blamed for the awful dialogue they spout, but they did accept the roles, so they're not guilt-free. The fast car driving spoilt rich girl (Kari Wührer) is annoying. The jaunt around L.A. is appalling. The comedy is pathetic. Overall, it's perhaps even worse than Masters of the Universe (1987), which is quite an achievement on the shit-scale.

Beastmaster 3: The Eye of Braxus (1996)

Dir. Gabrielle Beaumont

I'm surprised they bothered making a third movie, but there must've been profit in the name still.

I like to imagine that someone with self-respect wanted to set right what went wrong with the previous one. In support of that, there does seem to be good intentions - there's no dimensional gates, David Warner is the villainous warlock, Tony Todd is the Beastmaster's travelling companion, and there's a certain irony in having Dar venture toward the one place that puts him in most danger (on a personal quest to save a younger brother that we never knew he had).

Unlike the previous two it's a TV Movie, so I didn't expect anything too cinematic, but the finale resembling a Saturday morning kid's programme was a bit of a shock, especially after the post-watershed themes that preceded it.

The comic-book dialogue is pretty awful at times, but even at its worst it's a better concept than Part 2. It was last of the Beastmaster films, although a TV Series did follow a few years later.