Black Diamond (1983-84)

Black Diamond (1983-84)

Author: Various | Illustrators: Various | 5 Issues, approx 34 pages each

"Don't panic! I just want your outfit!"

A short-lived comicbook that presents itself as a movie tie-in, albeit one that launched before the movie it's supposed to tie-in with. So far so good, but the onscreen version never happened, so the comic is all we have to give us an idea of what the movie's story might've been like. (I've added a few promo shots of lead actress Sibyl Danning in costume at the post's end, for anyone interested.)

The basic premise is as follows: Tiana Matthews is a successful fashion model for Multmonde, a role that sees her traverse borders for fashion shoots, etc. But secretly, Tiana is also an agent for INFO COM THREE, a role that sees her traverse borders for spy antics and action shootouts, etc. Her code name in the second scenario is Black Diamond. [1]

Her greatest enemy is an international crime cartel known as QUANSA. If you're thinking that sounds kinda like James Bond and SPECTRE, then your thinking is correct. It's spy fiction with gadgets and ridiculous world-domination plans.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (1983-84)

He-Man and the MotU (1983-84)
Dirs. various | Seasons: 02 | Episodes: 130 (total), approx 23 mins each.

In theory, writing about the original MotU TV series should be a simple task because it isn't a difficult series to describe —  it's a mix of High Fantasy and Science Fiction, wrapped up in a 1980s bun — but the characters and their world have been such a defining part of my life that finding the words is proving to be difficult. It'll probably sound ridiculous, but if I could reach deep into my soul and paste that onto the page, much of what's there would be MotU-shaped.

Within the colourful blobs of joy would be identifiable forms. There'll be one that looks like a stone castle with a skull entrance. Next to it would be a jagged mountain with a giant snake wrapped around it. Elsewhere, you'd see a large cat the size of a lion, but green with orange stripes, and red armour on its back and head.

And there would be heroes, different in temperament but each one cut from the same cloth, standing together, poised to defend, strong in spirit and steadfast in purpose as they do their utmost to prevent the forces of evil from realising their selfish goals, lest the innocent suffer. A cliché it may be, but it's a cliché with a true heart, and that heart beats in time with my own. Put simply, I adore 1980s era MotU.

Doctor Who: The Five Doctors (1983)

Doctor Who: The Five Doctors (1983)

Dir. Peter Moffatt | 90 minutes (Original Broadcast) / 101 minutes (Special Edition)

A decade after The Three Doctors (1972-73) serial the sci-fi franchise celebrated its 20th anniversary with a feature-length five Doctors TV Movie.

There are technically 'five' versions of the Doctor in the story, but only four play an active role. Actor Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor) refused to take part and so footage from a previously unfinished serial (Shada) was used to pretend that he was there - the ruse fails, it's blatantly obvious that he wasn't. [1]

And in case there's anyone who's experiencing Doctor Who for the first time, the rubbish FX and amateur dramatics acting is the norm. In the correct frame of mind, it's actually part of the charm. But the rescue of Sarah Jane on the grassy knoll is a definite low point. If you listen carefully, you might even hear the scraping of a barrel in the distance.

Dio: Holy Diver (1983)

Dio: Holy Diver (1983)

Dio's début album is a bona fide music masterpiece that I feel is fully deserving of its lauded status among fans - there's not a single weak track on it. It's one of my favourite records from the entire 80s metal scene.

A number of similar themes recurred time and again in Ronnie James Dio's oeuvre, both in his solo work and during his time with Black Sabbath. 

His imagery-filled lyrics, often reminiscent of a time of chivalry and myth, celebrated an era in which magic could initiate real change and provide a voice to the voiceless.

The A-Team: Complete Series (1983–87)

The A-Team: The Ultimate Collection (2007)

98 episodes (5 Seasons), approx 47 minutes each, split over 27 DVD discs.

I discovered some years back that being asked "Why do you watch that crap?" makes me less inclined to validate the reasons for my choices, and instead wonder at the agenda of the person who's asking the question. Sometimes it's not a genuine inquiry, but a thinly disguised insult.

With that in mind, my heartfelt sympathies go out to any individual who didn't have weekly episodes of The A-Team to entertain and inspire them as a youth. I'm not being melodramatic. I really do mean it.

Not having Sergeant First Class 'B.A.' Baracus, Colonel John 'Hannibal' Smith, Lieutenant Templeton 'Face' Peck and Captain 'Howling Mad' Murdock to provide escapism and feed the imagination is like having an integral part of a happy childhood denied you. It's like having never played with LEGO, or having never tasted strawberry sherbets.

The Witches and the Grinnygog (1983)

The Witches and the Grinnygog (1983)

Dir. Diarmuid Lawrence | 6 episodes, approx 25 minutes each

A miniseries based on the children's book of the same name (1981) by Dorothy Edwards. I've not read the book, but I did watch the series back in the 80s when it was first screened on British TV. Once the titular Grinnygog appeared onscreen the memories of that time came flooding back to me - almost literally, I felt like I'd been hit by a driving wave of forgotten salad days.

The Grinnygog is a horned, cheeky-faced stone statue that's about the size of an average garden gnome. The little guy doesn't actually do very much besides look cool, but the majority of the important events that subsequently occur in the lives of the main protagonists happen as a result of his sudden appearance. Without seeming to do so directly, the Grinnygog influences and twists the threads of fate so that the correct people are in the correct place at the correct time.

Lou Ferrigno: Hercules Films (1983-85)

Hercules (1983)

Dir. Luigi Cozzi

Lou Ferrigno is Zeus' chosen one, a hero of the people who's granted incredible strength.

In his quest to save his love, Cassiopea (Ingrid Anderson), from the evil King Minos (William Berger) the champion must overcome trials, battle mechanical titans (really) and face off against evil sorcery.

After an extended creation myth opening that's strangely reminiscent of Richard Donner's Superman (1978), the film goes all out to impress with its manly beards, shiny armour and sexy females. And even though its aspirations are much greater than its achievements, as a fan of 1980s special effects I enjoyed a significant amount of it.

Smokey and the Bandit: Films (1977-83)

01. Smokey and the Bandit (1977)

Dir. Hal Needham

The Bandit (Burt Reynolds) and his buddy Snowman (Jerry Reed) attempt to transport a truckload of contraband across state lines,

However, a disgruntled Sheriff (Jackie Gleason), the Smokey of the title, and a drove of state troopers have a hard-on for the cocky bootleggers along the way.

The majority of the film is nothing more than an extended chase scene in which our heroes attempt to overcome complications and outsmart Smokey, but it's never boring.

The Osterman Weekend (1983)

The Osterman Weekend (1983)

Dir. Sam Peckinpah

A government agency seeks to use one man to catch a group of other men in a political game of cat and mouse. Or is it cat and cat? Maybe it's mouse and mouse?

It's an adaptation of a 1972 Robert Ludlum novel of the same name, so there are the usual scenes of important men getting nervous over dodgy dealings and a twisty-turny ending. It makes you aware that not everyone sees friendship in the same way, and may even stir you to question if the people who claim to be your friends really are when they aren't beside you.

There's an unusual car chase and a few scattered moments where Peckinpah piqued my interest technically, but despite a strong cast his cinematic swansong isn't as memorable as much of what preceded it.

The Dead Zone (1983)

The Dead Zone (1983)

Dir. David Cronenberg

After Videodrome (1983) people probably expected another surreal and icky feature from Cronenberg, but instead he gave us an adaptation of a 1979 Stephen King novel called The Dead Zone. It's a not a horror, but nor is it a straightforward drama; it's more of an eerie thriller with a supernatural slant.

Christopher Walken stars as a schoolteacher named Johnny Smith. Johnny is a nice guy; if Fate had allowed him to continue along his preferred path then he'd probably have got married, fathered two or three kids, remained a teacher for the next thirty years before retiring and spending his remaining autumns raking leaves off his perfect lawn, or something equally as mundane. Maybe he'd even use his knowledge of literature to write a book, something academic that would continue his legacy of teaching into the next generation? But Fate didn't allow any of that to happen. Fate introduced Johnny to Tragedy and his life thereafter is drastically changed.

John Carpenter: Films: Part II (1980-84)

The Fog (1980)

Dir. John Carpenter

The fictional Antonio Bay is the setting for what's basically a traditional ghost story that's been granted a John Carpenter twist.

The plot is pretty simple: as the townspeople prepare to celebrate the centenary of the Bay, a scary fog with an accompanying green light rolls slowly but menacingly in from the sea, bringing with it something aged and angry. It's the atmosphere, the suspense and the overall eerie vibe that raise it above its B-Movie origins.

Trivia fans might like to know that two of the stars, Janet Leigh and Jamie Lee Curtis, are real life mother and daughter, both of whom starred in classic horror/suspense films previously. Janet was in Hitchcock's Psycho (1960). Jamie Lee was in Carpenter's Halloween (1978).

Blackadder: The Complete Series (1983-99)

The Black Adder (1983)

6 episodes, approx 30 mins each.

The first incarnation of The Black Adder isn't very good, but the ones that followed it definitely are. I wouldn't argue with anyone that says it ought to be skipped entirely in favour of the superior Blackadder II (1986). The only niggle I would have is that the viewer will miss out on Brian Blessed being awesome. The man with the giant's voice gets all the best scenes and he chews them up fervently. If someone made a compilation consisting of just those moments, then that person would be your friend.

It's an alternative history comedy set during the Middle Ages (1485–98) in which Richard III is succeeded by Richard IV after the Battle of Bosworth Field. His son, Edmund Plantagenet, is the Black Adder (Rowan Atkinson), a weasely, snivelling little prick who wants desperately to be King but doesn't have the stones to go about it in the correct manner.

Videodrome (1983) : Arrow Video Limited Edition (2015)

Videodrome (1983)

Dir. David Cronenberg

Seeing is believing. Until we see something in its physical aspect then its reality is questionable.

What then of television? The device is visible but the transmission invisible. The pictures enter our mind the same way as everything else, but their 'reality' can be entirely fictitious. Sure, we're programmed to know the difference, but what if the programming changes or the difference slips away? Is seeing really believing, then?

By the same token, at what point does violent sex become sexual violence? When does flesh and distinction cease to follow the accepted rules?

Torture. Murder. Mutilation. Videodrome.

Director David Cronenberg's masterpiece.