Assassin's Creed (2016)

Assassin's Creed (2016)

Dir. Justin Kurzel

Besides the goal of making lorryloads of cash for its producers, game developer Ubisoft was probably hoping that the live action Ass Creed film would entice lorryloads more people to check out their long-running game series, which in turn would increase profits there, too. Anything is possible, I suppose, even when the movie they hoped would sway people is a 125 million dollar turd.

Given that it might be someone's introduction to the world, I'll mention how it presents itself, rather than how it translates its source to the screen. But in that respect, it's dire.

It begins in Spain, 1492. We meet Aguilar de Nerha (Michael Fassbender), a member of the Assassins Brotherhood, a secretive group who are collectively at war with the Templars. The Assassins fight for individual freedoms and expression, whereas the Templars seek to control society through imposed order.

Ninja Scroll (1993)

Ninja Scroll (1993)

Dir. Yoshiaki Kawajiri

I don't understand why Ninja Scroll is so named. It has a ninja — actually, it has lots of ninjas — but what's the scroll part about? Fuctifino. But what I know for certain is that when it comes to 90s era anime movies, NS is a classic. I've watched it a dozen times over the years and it impresses me every time. It isn't packed with plot like, for example, Akira (1988) or Ghost in the Shell (1995) are, but it has a visceral quality that many of its genre imitators failed to capture. [1]

Somehow, the historical setting enhances the fantastical elements, even though logic says they ought to be at odds with each other. A similar kind of complementary contrariety surrounds the two main characters: a skilled swordsman named Jubei, and a female Kōga ninja named Kagero, who has a special, hidden, devastating talent.

The villains, known as the Eight Devils of Kimon, are a peculiar bunch of freaks with unusual powers, and are all the more memorable for it.

Batman: The Animated Series: Movies (1993-03)

Batman: TAS: Movies (1993-03)

inc. The New Batman Adventures

01. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993, Dirs. Eric Radomski + Bruce Timm) was the first film in the DC Animated Universe (TAS).

Its Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy) isn't just an angry orphan fighting against a world that he feels took something irreplaceable from him, he's a flawed dark avenger, suffering emotional conflicts as he weighs the lure of a normal, loving relationship against an earnest vow to protect others from the pain he weathers. He's fully aware of why he does what he does, but finds reasons to justify it.

The emotional twists and turns in the story are supported by a number of flashbacks that, among other things, tell the story of his first few forays into night-time vigilantism.

Tomb Raider: Movies (2001-18)

Tomb Raider: Movies (2001-18)

Dirs. Simon West (I) / Jan de Bont (II) / Roar Uthaug (III)

01. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) is a typical summer actioner, but unlike some other video game adaptations it at least makes an effort to reference its origins: the Manor, exotic locations, impossible jumps that require crucial timing, puzzle solving, and dual-wielding gun-play are all reminiscent of the games that inspired it.

Unfortunately, it also carries over some of its parent genre's failings, including a feeling that the person directing the non-playable bits hasn't got much of a clue about how to construct and pace a successful action scene. That's particularly true for the opening, but, thankfully, things gradually get better as the movie goes on.

The story is a globe-trotting adventure born from the pursuits and hobbies of the super-rich (on both sides of the equation). It's basic stuff.

Wheels of Fire (1985)

Wheels of Fire (1985)

Dir. Cirio H. Santiago.

If you're suddenly thinking of Manowar, then you have my utmost respect, but the movie predates the song by three years. Oh well; it was a pleasing thought while it lasted.

WoF is set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland scenario. With no law to stop them, many people get their kicks being total dicks towards other people. But not Trace (Gary Watkins). Trace is a man of some honour who mostly looks out for his sister Arlie (Lynda Wiesmeier).

If Mad Max rip-offs have taught me anything of value, it's that post-apoc survival requires a pair of well-worn leather kecks and a part luck / part skill ability to drive on dusty roads.

The acting is as you'd expect for this kind of thing, but the car chases are excellent; if someone was to edit them into The Road Warrior (1981) and claim it's an extended cut, then many people could be fooled.

Transporter: The Series: Season 2 (2014)

Transporter: The Series: Season 2 (2014)

12 episodes, approx 45 minutes each.

Much changed between Season One and Two and not all of it's good change. Frank's (Chris Vance) attitude toward his job is the same — he's still a practical, matter-of-fact guy with a plan that tends to go tits-up before the halfway point — but now he's more like James Bond in how he goes about things.

I suspect that behind the scenes someone actually said 'Let’s make him more James Bond,' and they did, sadly. The B-Movie charm that existed previously is compromised, replaced by a TV production with aspirations of being a secret agent movie.

There are personnel changes, too. Carla (Andrea Osvárt), the woman that functioned as a mysterious liaison between the transporter and the often shady customer, is replaced by Catarina Boldieu.

Catarina (Violante Placido) does a similar job, but she's more active than Carla was. Her multilingual skills are an asset to Frank, so he occasionally has a need for her to accompany him on jobs.

Ghost in the Shell: SAC: Complete 1st and 2nd GIG (2018)

GitS: SAC: Complete 1st + 2nd GIG (2018)

Dirs. Various | Seasons: 2 | 52 episodes, approx 25 mins each [Make sure and stick around for the short Tachikomatic Days entries after the credits roll on each one!]

An 8-disc collection that contains all 52 episodes of the Stand Alone Complex TV series - that's 26 episodes apiece for each of the two seasons.

The year is 2030. Public Security Section 9 is a counter-terrorist branch funded by the Japanese government, a team of ass-kicking professionals that get the job done no matter what.

The world is overly dependent on cybernetic bodies; the web has become the medium of choice for terrorists and as a result there exists a large potential for cyber-crime and hacks.

Section 9 specialise in that area. Led by Major Motoko Kusanagi the team deal with corporate terrorism, kidnapping, human trafficking, Ghost hacks (a technique in which a subject's memories are replaced with false ones) and a host of other internal and external threats. They're the people that keep the rest of us safe, often without us even knowing they exist.

Delta Force: Movie Trilogy (1986-91)

Delta Force: Movie Trilogy (1986-91)

Dirs. Various

01. Much of the first movie takes place onboard an aeroplane in flight, with an ensemble cast that's underused. Chief hijacker Abdul (Robert Forster) is moustachioed and menacing, but he didn't reckon on the Deltas doing their thing.

The opening shot sets the movie's tone perfectly, for good or ill. The scene that follows, wherein special ops member Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris) does what other men won't, reinforces it tenfold: it's 80s action from Canon Films with rugged men and many guns (Dir. Menahem Golan).

The team wear covert black duds with a bright US flag patch on the arm lest the audience forget who they're cheering for, or the enemy forget who to shoot. Gotta keep those bullets flying.

If they get tired walking they have motorcycles that shoot mini-missiles. Abdul and his cronies are boned - even if Chuck is perpetually late to the party and Silvestri's music sucks.

Transporter: The Series: Season 1 (2012)

Transporter: The Series: Season 1 (2012)

12 episodes, approx 45 minutes each.

British actor Chris Vance replaces Jason Statham as ex-SAS man Frank Martin in a spin-off from the Transporter movies. Frank's house is well-ordered and he carries a spare suit in the boot of his car. That's the kind of guy he is. He's also a resourceful driver that transports packages from A to B with no questions asked; discretion is paramount. He lives by his own code and is a stickler for the rules:

01. NEVER CHANGE THE DEAL.

02. NO NAMES.

03. NEVER OPEN THE PACKAGE.

He'll often quote one of them (for the audience's benefit) just a few minutes before breaking it.

Vance's portrayal of the character is more sympathetic than Stath's. He's a sucker for righting an injustice. He needs to be, though, because it isn't just 90 minutes of explosive escapism, it's an ongoing development in which the (anti)hero operates in a grey area of morality and law.

King Kong: The Toho Movies (1962–67)

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)

Dir. Ishirō Honda

I reviewed KKvG in my Godzilla: Shōwa Era Films (1954-74) post, but it was from a 'Godzilla movie' perspective, not a King Kong one. Logic says I should re-watch it from a Kong perspective, but I vowed never to suffer its woeful story ever again, so I've simply copy/pasted from the previous post, with some minor editing. I don't think my overall opinion would've changed much, anyhow.

The most positive thing that I can muster to say about KKvG is that it's the first King Kong movie to be shot in full widescreen and on colour stock. It's pretty terrible otherwise.

Fans who only want a monster bash will have to wait an hour before the two titans even meet, and when it happens it's laughable.

Kamen Rider Black Sun (2022)

Kamen Rider Black Sun (2022)

Dir: Kazuya Shiraishi | Script: Izumi Takahashi | 10 episodes, approx 44 mins each.

Until viewing Black Sun, the most recent Kamen Rider series that I'd watched in its entirety was the fruit-themed Gaim (2013-14), so if there's been a natural progression in how the franchise does things in the intervening years, from a production standpoint, specifically, I'm not aware of it.

Timed to coincide with Rider's 50th anniversary, Black Sun feels different because it's aimed toward an adult audience. The bright 'toy line' colours that usually adorn a Rider's suit are absent, replaced with nondescript shades of black.

Besides the longer running time per episode, there's also scenes of drug use and an elevated level of violence, including immolation, decapitation, severed limbs, etc, some of which is even perpetrated by and against children.

James Bond: Timothy Dalton (1987-89)

The Living Daylights (1987)

Dir. John Glen

In all probability this'll be the last James Bond movie post that I make, unless it comes down to the only Christopher Lee film I've not written about is the Bond one that he co-starred in. But that's damned unlikely, considering he's got 278 credits on IMDB and I'd sooner watch the 277 in which he doesn't have a supernumerary nipple.

I digress; I'm here to talk about Timothy Dalton. I mean no disrespect when I say that Dalton's Bond doesn't have the same level of sex appeal as Sean Connery's. Very few men do. On the plus side he doesn't have the same kind of 'charm' as Moore's. No, instead Dalton brings a moodiness to the role, and a sense of daring that the others had less of.

There's a feeling that he's worked hard to earn his 007 Licence, whereas for the others it came easy.

Superman: The Animated Series (1996-2000)

Superman: TAS (1996-2000)

Dirs. Various | 54 episodes (split over 3 seasons), approx 22 mins each [1]

Conceived and produced by many of the same creative team that made Batman: TAS (1992–95) so good, Superman's animated series looked familiar but also different.

Metropolis is much brighter than Gotham, with a different kind of art deco influence, one more inspired by Streamline Moderne. 

Giving each city its own visual identity is a positive change, but the less textured aesthetic of Metropolis looks unintentionally cheap and sparse by comparison.

Likewise, and the first indication that what you're watching might be a step down in quality, the opening credits, which are a montage of episode scenes in roughly chronological order, feel tawdry and lazy compared to the dramatic excellence of Batman's. Superman's are spoilery, too, for anyone who's not seen the series before. And subjectively speaking, Shirley Walker's accompanying theme music is also less memorable.

Re\Visioned: Tomb Raider Animated Series (2007)

Re\Visioned: Tomb Raider Animated Series (2007)

10 episodes, approx 6 minutes each.

An anthology of short animated tales featuring the virtual bra-busting Brit, Lara Croft, from a number of different writers and animators. See the end of post for a full list of names. [1]

Each creator puts their own unique spin on the Lara character, which range from the wonderfully inventive (Keys to the Kingdom) to the piss-poor self-parody (Revenge of the Aztec Mummy).

None of them bother to waste time giving her any back-story or history. They assume that most viewers will already have knowledge of that from the games. The short format really doesn't allow for that kind of exposition, anyhow.

Brief (and biased) thoughts on each episode are below the cut, if you care to know more.

The New Batman Adventures (1997-99)

The New Batman Adventures (1997-99)

Dirs. Various | 24 episodes, approx 22 mins each.

A direct continuation of Batman: The Animated Series set two years after TAS ended. It had many of the same cast and creative team behind the scenes, but it's visually different to what came before, with a different title and a distinct logo design.

It's been previously marketed both as a different show with two produced seasons of its own, and, perhaps erroneously, as a third season of TAS. Like many fans I subscribe to the belief that it is indeed its own thing, albeit one that continues TAS continuity. The many visual changes in the series seem to support that belief.

It features Batgirl (Tara Strong), Robin (Mathew Valencia), and Nightwing (Loren Lester) at various times throughout, with Batman (Kevin Conroy) being the only team member who appears in every episode, but the characters were redesigned to more closely match Superman TAS, due to how the two series were being screened on TV at the time.

Rebuild of Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 (2021)

Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time (2021)

Dirs. Hideaki Anno / Kazuya Tsurumaki / Katsuichi Nakayama / Mahiro Maeda

Given my feelings about part three — and that in the lengthy interim between it and part four Anno had helped make what I consider to be the worst live action Japanese-language Godzilla movie since the Showa Era lost its way — I didn't feel the pang of the nine-year wait that happened, but I sympathise with anyone that did.

Evangelion: 4.0 You Can (Not) be Fucking Serious, as it'll forever be known to me hereafter, has some stunning animation, but is less successful in other ways. It has the dubious honour of being the least engaging anime movie that I watched in 2022.

The frantic aerial battle that fills a large chunk of the opening was off-putting to me, but I can see how it could be considered impressive by others, in how it resembled some kind of futuristic fighter plane conflict. In retrospect, when paired with what follows, it plays a successful part in conveying how important the role of contrast is to the whole.

Rebuild of Evangelion: 3.33 (2012)

Evangelion: 3.33 You Can (Not) Redo (2012)

Dirs. Hideaki Anno / Mahiro Maeda / Kazuya Tsurumaki

Parts 1.11 and 2.22 stayed recognisably close to the original NGE TV Series plot, but part 3.33 spirals off to places new. There are big changes and most of them aren't good.

Firstly, none of what's teased in 2.22's post-credit preview is actually in the third film. Instead, it's set a significant number of years after, which could be as jarring for the viewer as it is for one of the characters.

In retrospect, it's helpful to accept that what was teased did actually happen, albeit offscreen. Mercifully, the implied level of 'fan service' is largely absent, besides some cheap low angle female pudenda shots.

A dramatic space-set action scene opens proceedings, and is quickly followed by some tedious Anno dialogue; as someone who prefers to watch anime subbed, it felt more pronounced than it might otherwise have seemed.

Rebuild of Evangelion: 2.22 (2009)

Evangelion: 2.22 You Can (Not) Advance (2009)

Dirs. Hideaki Anno / Masayuki / Kazuya Tsurumaki

I said previously that the film is faithful to Dir. Hideaki Anno's original vision 'at least for now'. To expand upon that, it's more than just a retelling, it's a 'rebuild' of the story - like its English language title states. The original series fell in on itself before its ultimate completion, so a redesign isn't necessarily a bad thing, if done correctly.

The foundation upon which the 'rebuild' is constructed is largely the same as before - but as more tiers are added, the resultant structure takes on a wholly different appearance. That change becomes more apparent in 2.22 than it was in 1.11. [1]

It covers episodes 7-19, which is quite a task in such a short amount of time.

Rebuild of Evangelion: 1.11 (2007)

Evangelion: 1.11 You Are (Not) Alone (2007)

Dirs. Hideaki Anno / Masayuki / Kazuya Tsurumaki

A cinematic 'Rebuild' of the 'classic' Neon Genesis Evangelion TV Series. The first film (of four) covers episodes 1-6. It's overseen by the same director as the series, Hideaki Anno, so is faithful to his original vision - at least for now, but that's for a future post.

Newcomers to the world of NGE may find it difficult to assimilate everything on first viewing, but in truth even the series didn't make complete sense to a large percentage of its audience until the second sitting, so in a way being perplexed is par for the course.

Nevertheless, for the benefit of anyone that's wholly unfamiliar with the basics, a quick intro: fourteen-year-old Shinji Ikari arrives in Tokyo-III, having been summoned there by a father he's not seen in three years.

Commando (1985)

Commando (1985)

Dir. Mark L. Lester

I'd never watched Commando in its entirety before, so purposefully chose to do so. I took one for the team - except I'm the only member of the team, so the misery was all mine.

After a series of quick executions of men that seem to have no connection initially, we're subjected to an Arnie muscle montage as he carries half a tree back to his picture perfect cabin in the great outdoors. As introductions go, it's terrible. But what follows is worse.

Namely, a laughable montage of clumsy scenes in which Mr Schwarzenegger and his daughter (Phoebe Halliwell before she got her witchy powers) enjoy the peace and quiet, idealised by their feeding a young deer in a scene that would make Bambi retch. It's the kind of single parent utopia that only exists in bad fiction.