The Transporter Trilogy (2002-08)

The Transporter (2002)

Dir. Corey Yuen and Louis Leterrier

Frank (Statham) transports packages from A to B with no questions asked. He's punctual, precise, always cool under pressure and a believer in playing by the rules - his rules, until one day the shit hits the fan and there are more than just questions flying his way.

It’s a typical Luc Besson penned comedy/action flick with a simple but fun plot, tongue in cheek action, bad European music, and a car chase or three. But strangely, for a movie about a car driving anti-hero, the car chases are some of the worst parts of it.

The most amazing thing is that it makes any sense, because the people involved didn't speak the same language off-set. It had a French production, a Taiwanese actress, an English actor and a Hong Kong co-director (Corey Yuen, the man behind both The Legend of Fong Sai-Yuk films; also behind the camera but uncredited on the R2 box was Louis Leterrier).

I can't end without mentioning François Berléand, who plays Inspector Tarconi. To be honest, his French accent meant I didn't catch everything he said in English, but he was great, nevertheless.

Transporter 2 (2005)

Dir. Louis Leterrier

The Stath returns for a sequel that’s like the first movie but kicked into a much higher gear.

Frank hasn't time to deliver any packages this time because he’s too busy busting bad guy's heads and breaking limbs like a cocky T1000 with five o'clock designer stubble. When not dishing out designer pain he's seducing a lonely housewife without trying, and dodging a thousand bullets fired by a woman in stilettos and underwear (Kate Nauta).

Even though it's shifted locale from beautiful France to boring America, it's a better film all round than the previous one; the martial arts are more impressive (choreographed by Corey Yuen - it has a scene with a hosepipe that even the great Jackie Chan would swell with pride to be a part of); the car chases are more exciting; the music isn't as awful - although it's still not good; and it has Keith mutha' fuckin David - Keith automatically makes any movie better!

Matthew Modine looks like he'd rather be somewhere else, but he's functional, I guess. My only real criticism isn't even a proper criticism: at just 78 minutes (excluding credits) it's too damn short, or perhaps it just seems that way because it's paced so fast.

Transporter 3 (2008)

Dir. Olivier Megaton

The third film takes us back to sunny France (Marseilles), where Frank once again has an actual package to deliver. However, he's not happy about it, and in order to complete the mission successfully his rules will have to be broken smashed.

To make matters worse, he has additional baggage in the shape of an unwelcome passenger. Her name is Valentina (Natalya Rudakova). She's designed to be annoying, and, by Christ, she really is! At various times in the journey she's also required to evoke sympathy, but I was incapable of feeling it because my hatred of her was just too strong.

That failure to connect with the ear-sore at those times was partly my fault, but I can't be blamed for the horrible directing; that's all on Monsieur Megaton. His idea of what makes a good action scene is the polar opposite of mine. I feel it's important to be able to see what's actually happening, to feel like there's an organic flow to events. I want scenes that draw me into the fight, not push me away from it. In Transporter 3 Corey Yuen's choreographed moves are presented as a clusterfuck of badly edited scenes thrown at the viewer's eyes at breakneck speed until there's only one man left standing (and probably shirtless. It's a running joke, surely? Number of times Stath is shirtless in the three films combined: Seven).

As the film progresses the abominable editing extends beyond the martial arts scenes, perhaps to represent how time is running out for the anti-hero, but it's even more unwelcome there.

Viewing part three was a self-inflicted punishment for me, one that I don't ever want to repeat.

- Not one to leave a job unfinished, the Stath even takes his work home. -