GamesMaster (1992-98)

GamesMaster (1992-98)

126 episodes, approx 25 minutes each.

For the people who saw GamesMaster back in the day, who watched Dominick Diamond in his presenter pants talk straight-faced about waggling his joystick in public, the warm fuzzies of nostalgia that accompany this post are for you.

For everyone else, yes, the disembodied head with monocle firmly attached in the picture above is the one and only astronomer extraordinaire Sir Patrick Moore. He was the godfather figure in the first ever dedicated video games show on UK Television.

GM went to places that other shows didn't. It plumbed the furrows and poked the holes. It even reached around without being asked because it cared. It was dangerous. Okay, in truth it was nothing more than cheap innuendo, but if your mother walked in at the wrong time she’d be outraged. That just made it better!

Having rewatched it all as an adult I can now see how Dom’s "verbose vernacular" could be perceived inappropriate and occasionally borderline pornographic by the emotionally stunted, but it didn't stop me chuckling the same all over again.

Dom left after Series II and was replaced by Dexter Fletcher. Dexter was arrogant and shouty. It was a disaster. That’s all I have to say about Series III.

Mercifully, Dom returned for Series IV - VII. The innuendo was slightly curtailed, but the elevated icy sarcasm more than compensated. It’s as if he thought ‘I don’t give a toss about decorum or Channel 4. If they sack me, I’ll go out a winner.’ He'd perv the ladies and ridicule the men equally. The weekly mocking of Dave Perry, an act Dave seemed unaware of for the longest time, was pure gold. The tight right-handers were in full force.

Commentators and reviewers were from popular games magazines of the time, such as C+VG, Game Zone, and my favourite, the one my paper round money paid for, Mean Machines (I was young - give me a break!). They dished out ridiculous scores of 80 and 90% for games that we later found out were steaming turds when we rented them illegally from the enterprising but unscrupulous video store owner at the arse-end of town. Every town had one.

It was the era of the Mega Drive, SNES and Amiga; of Sensible Soccer, New Zealand Story, Alien Breed, and micro spring joysticks that broke a week after purchase (but could we ever find that damn receipt?). Sonic 2, the slowed down PAL version, was a cutting edge new game!

As the years went on the fast-loading, cartridge-based systems were forced into retirement as a cocky newcomer, the optical disc, arrived and seductively stroked the pockets of gamers the world over hungry for innovation. Little did we know it would lead to draconian business practices, patches, DLC and Season Passes. In retrospect, cartridges were the dog's bollocks.

If you're not British, the 'dog's bollocks' is a good thing. I don't know why. It's probably a variation of the 'bee's knees', which is itself a stupid term. Do bees even have knees? I don't know. I'm sure some dogs have bollocks, though. Thank Grud this text is small and no one will read it.