The Dark Tower (2017)

The Dark Tower (2017)

Dir.  Nikolaj Arcel

'The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.' Those twelve words, the opening paragraph in the first part of Stephen King's fantasy western opus, will resonate with anyone that's read the book. Nothing about the film adaptation, however, has even the slightest hint of such resonance.

It begins with Jake (Tom Taylor) in NY, which, as fans will know, means it draws from more than the first book. The boy is having dreams about the Tower that include the Man in Black (Matthew McConaughey); but revealing the primary antagonist so early robs him of any and all mystery; he's a man who ought to be partially defined by his elusiveness. But that's only the beginning of the film's failings; there are many, many more reasons to turn off.

Nine Inch Nails: Hesitation Marks (2013)

NIN: Hesitation Marks (2013)

The return of NIN after a five year hiatus was something that I anticipated greatly, but when it came it came with disappointment. [1]

Reznor was (happily?) married, rich, and had been free of record label interference for a number of years prior to its release — allowing for, one supposes, a pleasing level of creative freedom — all of which meant he'd less to get upset or angry about.

A nice place to be, for sure, but it eliminated many of the things that had traditionally been a source of inspiration and/or a motivational factor in the artist's music.

Consequently, lyrically it skims still waters while trying to remain as close to the deeper NIN formula as possible.

Kids Return (1996)

Kids Return (1996)

Dir. Takeshi Kitano

Told mostly in flashback, it's the story of two high school friends, Shinji and Masaru (Masanobu Andô and Ken Kaneko, respectively), who occasionally go to school but spend very little time in actual class.

The tutors have given up on them, seeing them as either directionless morons or little more than petty thieves in training. In time, the duo would probably agree... but a single event gives perspective that leads to insight.

Often in Kitano films the secondary characters are just as interesting as the primaries, but in Kids Return some of the lesser characters actually stole the show, being arguably even more interesting than the two main ones and I'd love to have seen their sub-stories expanded and further explored.

Oddly, even though it's but a tiny portion of the film insofar as the total running time goes, I was affected more by the scenes set in the present than in flashback.

Tomb Raider: Movies (2001-18)

Tomb Raider: Movies (2001-18)

Dirs. Simon West (I) / Jan de Bont (II) / Roar Uthaug (III)

01. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) is a typical summer actioner, but unlike some other video game adaptations it at least makes an effort to reference its origins: the Manor, exotic locations, impossible jumps that require crucial timing, puzzle solving, and dual-wielding gun-play are all reminiscent of the games that inspired it.

Unfortunately, it also carries over some of its parent genre's failings, including a feeling that the person directing the non-playable bits hasn't got much of a clue about how to construct and pace a successful action scene. That's particularly true for the opening, but, thankfully, things gradually get better as the movie goes on.

The story is a globe-trotting adventure born from the pursuits and hobbies of the super-rich (on both sides of the equation). It's basic stuff.

Masters of Horror: Series 02 (2006)

Masters of Horror: Series 02 (2006) [Complete]

Dirs: Various (See Below) | Episodes: 13 (Total), 55 minutes each, approx.

More of the same kind of hit and miss anthology stories from many of the same people that were involved in Series One. This first half contains the first seven episodes. There may be a difference in running order between the Region 1 and Region 2 editions. I'm using the UK Region 2 editions. As with Series One, NA also got a full series box (Vols 01 + 02).

Masters of Horror: Series 01 (2006)

Masters of Horror: Series 01 (2006) [Complete]

Dirs: Various (See Below) | Episodes: 13 (Total), 55 minutes each, approx.

Mick Garris, filmmaker, friend and critic of horror cinema assembled thirteen of the genre's most celebrated directors together for the first series of Masters of Horror. Each director was given one episode. The results aren't always what you'd probably expect, given each person's previous filmic history, but there's an occasional gem to be found amongst the mostly uneven murkiness.

You can find some very brief thoughts below the cut. The listed order reflects the UK Region 2 DVD editions. The US Region 1 running order is different. The UK versions were split into two parts per series, which is four box sets in total. NA also got a full series box (Vols 01 + 02).

Getting Any? (1995)

Getting Any? (1995)

Dir. Takeshi Kitano

Comedy doesn't always travel well, especially when many of the gags are reliant on cultural knowledge that a foreign audience may lack.

I'm in that bracket, so keep that in mind when I say the comedy is well-timed but just isn't funny. Its structure is little more than a series of absurd sketches loosely documenting a hopeless man's desire to have sex in a car, but first he needs a car. His leaps of logic in service of his lascivious goal make no sense, but perhaps that's part of the joke(?).

Along the way it parodies various other films, including Lone Wolf and Cub, Zatoichi, kaijū (specifically Mothra), The Fly (1986), and, bizarrely, Ghostbusters (1984), all of which are more enjoyable than Getting Any?.