Commando (1985)

Commando (1985)

Dir. Mark L. Lester

I'd never watched Commando in its entirety before, so purposefully chose to do so. I took one for the team - except I'm the only member of the team, so the misery was all mine.

After a series of quick executions of men that seem to have no connection initially, we're subjected to an Arnie muscle montage as he carries half a tree back to his picture perfect cabin in the great outdoors. As introductions go, it's terrible. But what follows is worse.

Namely, a laughable montage of clumsy scenes in which Mr Schwarzenegger and his daughter (Phoebe Halliwell before she got her witchy powers) enjoy the peace and quiet, idealised by their feeding a young deer in a scene that would make Bambi retch. It's the kind of single parent utopia that only exists in bad fiction.

Whisper of the Heart (1995)

Whisper of the Heart (1995)

Dir. Yoshifumi Kondō

Based on a manga of the same name (by Aoi Hiiragi), WotH is a wonderful coming of age drama set in a typical suburb of Tokyo.

Its primary character is fourteen-year-old Shizuku Tsukishima, a junior high school student who loves books. Shizuku is a voracious reader who makes regular trips to the school library. She notices one day that many of the books she's borrowed that year were checked-out also by one other person.

For the benefit of anyone born after the turn of the millennium, it's important to note the era because before everything everywhere existed in a computer database, checkout cards were a real thing in library books. It isn't something the writers made up, and it wasn't exclusive to Japan. It's a true reflection of what folks my age might call a 'simpler time', before smartphones and social media, etc, and all the negativity that now exists as a result.

The Sandman Presents: Thessaly - Witch for Hire (2005)

Thessaly - Witch for Hire (2005)

Author: Bill Willingham | Illustrator: Shawn McManus | Page Count: 96

"Anything that exits can be destroyed in some way. It's just a matter of finding the right sprig of mistletoe."

Witch for Hire picks up the story of the last of the Thessalian witches two years after the end of The Thessaliad (2002), a four-issue miniseries that you can also find collected in the Taller Tales (2003) TPB.

If you haven't read the previous adventure, there's some catch-up text at the beginning to get you up to speed.

If you have read it, you'll maybe remember the big unanswered question surrounding the main supporting character. Bill Willingham expands upon that aspect.

Fetch is back, like a bad smell carried by an ill-wind, with a complement of ideas above his station (his station being that he's dead - that's not a spoiler).

The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Dir. Albert Pyun

'It's Sword and Sorcery time!' said my brain when I sat down one Tuesday in October to pick a movie. And lo! It sure as hell was. And I did rejoice.

The story is standard fare, for the most part, with a youth who grows into a formidable warrior (Lee Horsley) after witnessing the murder of his loved ones at the hands of an evil rival (Richard Lynch). As fate and cliché would have it, years later the orphaned swordsman gets an opportunity to exact revenge for the heinous deed, in heroic fashion.

The FX are great, the dialogue is corny — the fanciful v/o narration especially so — and the action is decent. Its biggest gimmick is the hero's tricksy sword, which might make even a Final Fantasy video game character a little envious.

It's 'stupid good' fun for a fan of the genre. But like most such pictures, I don't think it would hold the full attention of anyone who doesn't identify with that particular noun.

NOTE: the promised sequel did eventually appear, albeit almost three decades later, in the form of Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010), starring Kevin Sorbo. I watched the trailer. It looks shit.