Mortal Kombat: Conquest (1998)

Mortal Kombat: Conquest (1998)

Dirs. Various | 22 episodes, approx 44 minutes each.

It's ridiculous to me that so many of the fantasy and/or supernatural TV shows that were aimed at a young adult demographic in the 1990s had secondary characters who were proficient in kung fu, or some other kind of mixed martial arts, no matter their alleged social background; vampire series like Buffy and Angel were the worst offenders.

With MK: Conquest, however, there's a reason so many citizens know kung fu: it's key to their survival. 

Villagers that haven't learned how to defend themselves aren't going to be safe for long. They may as well carry around a sign saying 'easy prey!'

(Alternatively, if they can't fight but are important to the plot, they get temporally saved by the chivalrous heroes... and then usually end up dead anyhow.)

It's set "...centuries ago, in a time of darkness and fury," which translates to an undefined pre-industrial era, in a place called Zhu Zin.

It's a market town surrounded by forests and convenient tombs. Yet despite being in the dark ages, hair gel, cosmetic surgery, and support bras seem to be widely available.

There are three main protagonists. Most importantly is Kung Lao (Paolo Montalbán), a monk who owns only one pair of trousers. It’s he that fights in the Mortal Kombat tournament as the defender of Earthrealm, which is basically just another name for the planet Earth. 

Fighting alongside Kung Lao, but not in the actual tournament, is the hot-headed man-slut Siro (Daniel Bernhardt). Siro also owns only one pair of trousers, but he has two different shirts. The ladies seem to like that kind of thing.

And finally, the female of the group, the ex-thief, Taja (Kristanna Loken), who's something of an anomaly in the MK: Conquest universe, given that the show is filled with the kind of plastic female the media tells us we want — the kind with provocative clothing, shallow personality, fake tits, etc — and Taja is the opposite of that. She dresses sensibly most of the time, has an athletic physique, and can count to ten without needing to use her fingers.

- L to R: man-slut Siro; ex-thief Taja; kombat monk Kung Lao -

Together the three friends defend Earthrealm from the forces of Outworld that wish to conquer it for various underdeveloped and cloudy reasons.

Overseeing the trio like a part-time father is the Thunder God Raiden (Jeffrey Meek). He gives advice but is forbidden from taking direct action against the aggressors.

Regardless of which episode you're watching, there'll likely be at least two energetic fight scenes, each one accompanied by bad music. The combat is completely unrealistic but at the same time it's some of the most impressive that I've ever seen outside of a Chinese TV show. Some of the people prancing about and doing unnecessary back flips really know their shit!

As silly as it all is, I genuinely do enjoy it - except the techno music, which is damned awful. Unfortunately, at time of writing its availability on DVD is still a region-specific mess, with some countries getting a full collection and others getting 'themed' discs that have just a few select episodes on each. Hopefully it gets a proper worldwide reissue someday, because I'd like to own it, but I'm in one of the regions that only got the crappy themed discs.